Shuuutz!

So last night was halloween and right now I feel like a bag of dicks. Running on two hours sleep and typing is being severly hindered by the shimmy shakes. Fun Rating: 9.5/10.

Hilarity Highlight: Pumpkin carving. Before we even cut the top off, Marius has an epiphany to draw a penis on the side of it's "head" to make it look like he'd gotten drunk and passed out.

Long live the Drunkin, which we carved into a Magg 'O(t) Lantern.

Not the Drunkin.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

I've been watching a lot of reality TV in the break room lately and have decided it's too inconsistent. Man V Food. Epic show. Who doesn't want to see some racially/culturally inconspicuous man of middle age and medium weight just travel around the country eating 7 pound breakfast burrito's and hot sauce made from 8 habanero peppers (approximately 140 times hotter than your average pepper) and then waiting five minutes without drinking, eating or even using one of those brilliant moist towely towels that made Colonel Sanders so popular in the eighties.

But sadly, not all reality TV is up to the same standard. Man V Food has set the bar way too high and some shows just can't cut the jump. I mean, they talk reality shows up hard (specially on "A & E" channel which is primarily reality based). I don't know what kind of epicness measuring method they've been using but it's not coming through in the crunch. I'm assuming when they were setting their bar they didn't use an actual bar; maybe one of those elastic practice bars with styrofoam lining that you practice your scissor jumps on so as not to affect your junk if something goes wrong. No effin' and jeffin' people, these shows are terrible.

I deeply apologize to Tony Danza, a television figure who I did cherish on the basis that I've never actually seen any of his TV shows and at times he did provide the punchline to a lot of jokes. But his new show, "Teach", is a joke. Tony Danza actually went through the trouble of completing a teaching degree, so he could make a reality tv show about him teaching for a year, and now he's hanging up his hat so to speak, having accomplished what he came there to do. It's right up there with "Lawman" the reality TV show that follows Steven Seagal around when he's an actual qualified and credited policeman. (Actually that's not fair, that show is well good and I even saw Steven play in a jazz funk band on an episode once, definately quality watching).

It's a damn injustice, ruining the sterling reputation that reality TV holds within the community and I for one am outraged. I would also like to go on record in saying that I really do enjoy writing blogs about observations on things that I have no prior knowledge of, or interest in gaining any further knowledge about. It's the one night stand of blogging. Don't wanna know your name and I have no idea how we got here, but let's take our pants off and let me see your blogspot.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Semiotics & Colours...

I know the name I've given this blog seems a little academic; but believe me it's far from it. I'm just wondering at what point in history did colours begin to take on meaning. It's seems kind of stupid to me that red can be anger, love and stop, three words which mean completely different things. While green takes on envious, sick and go. My biggest "colour peeve" is the way in which country music somehow dubbed "blue" the colour of sadness and now I feel strangely lamer for having my bedroom walls painted in the shade. It makes sense with all the denim they wear, but why are cowboys sad all the time anyway? The cowboys I've heard of own pretty decent stretches of land which I'm assuming are worth much monies. I'm taking it most of them are from the mid-north, like Montana way; which from experience is a beautiful place, women aren't bad and they get to ride horses all fuckin day. Even urban cowboys are only dubbed that way cause they are incredibly rich from some oil expedition. Over all on a scale of 10 to Blue I'd say these giddy-uppers would be a 10.

I'm just reeling in from a situation I had earlier tonight when a semi trailer truck was overturned on the toby creek road. Coming back from Invermere this road worker guy is signalling me in with a red wand. Let's back up straight away and just re-confirm that I said "signalling me in", as in, to come forward and pass the action. He then yells and tells me to stop, which I do in a very uncomfortable manner (with 9 passengers might I add), and starts having a go. Something along the lines of, "It's red mate, are you blind?". Well I'm sorry sir but you didn't really go over the options did you? Even when it's good to go he goes "Alright you can go" and wave's the wand forward, still in red. I mean come on, we just went back to pre-school and re-established that red means stop, and then you ignore the green option on the wand anyway; pure laziness by road workers (another topic for another day).

But this is a prime example of how the world just expects semiotics (the science of signs) and colours to play a bigger role in the human brain than the literal meaning of things, and quite frankly it pisses me off. I guess I'm not smart enough to realise that when you say something you actually mean something else when a colour is present in the exchange. It's like the world has become my girlfriend who get's angrier because I can't figure out why she's angry at me in the first place. In any case, google images will have you know that there are lots of prime examples of colours being used out of contexts.

Check out this guy, loving a bit of the blue. He looks well happy, suck on that cowboys.

Dear Chris Quinlan: I Stole Your Monster Energy Drink

Yes, that's right. It was me. You've gone away for a week on holidays but thanks to the brilliant communication tool that is the world wide web, you can be updated on all the stuff I've recently knicked that belongs to you.

It's your own fault, you left it in there too long. Your Monster energy drink was feeling neglected and I was there in a time of need. Who's time of need exactly was it? I'll never tell. Either way, I am wide awake and ready for any tasks the housekeeping office can throw at me. So I'd say it's an investment in your day, boss.

Thank you, mysteriously named ingredients that noone had ever heard of before the invention of energy drinks. Here's to invigorating mystery drinks, and to the future disease that I will no doubt develop as a result of them.

Would You Like Fries With That?

I've decided that to stave off the usual random nonsensical blogging I usually do, I should maybe catch up on current affairs for some juicy fact based material to chat about.

Oh media how you amuse me. Everytime I crawl back to you with my eager, interested tail between my legs you almost make me believe that real life is about as random and nonsensical as fantasy life. What a world I live in, where we get payed to snowboard, bears are ALWAYS described as "cuddly", and the headers in Australian news read "Brisbane man in ferry standoff asks police for a bacon and egg McMuffin".



"A Police officer said at the scene the man had requested a bacon and egg McMuffin. However, the request has been made after McDonald's 10:30am breakfast cut off time. Police said they are trying to fulfill the request" - The Courier Mail.

I would've loved to be there for the negotiation.

Man: If I don't get a bacon and egg McMuffin, I'll blow this yacht up and injure countless people!

Police: You know damn well it's past breakfast cut-off time, it's beyond our ability to come through on that promise!


I mean, really? I worked at McDonalds and, in a life and death situation, it's not that hard to get the stuff all out and make one for special order. You're acting like he asked you to rig the academy awards so that Kevin Costner wins best Actor for his previous performance in "Waterworld".

In all seriousness this guy is the perfect example of a Maverick. First of all, he doesn't play by anyones rules. The most obvious of which is criminal law. You'll also notice that convention has no place in this guys daily routine. Another man who completely shuns his schedule. He's on a yacht with a jerry can and a bayonet (classic maverick combo), asking for a McMuffin, when it's clearly past breakfast cut off time and he know's it. I'm assuming, being the Maverick that he is, he actually waited for it to be taken OFF the menu before asking for it simply because he shuns any sort of regularity; in this case, a menu.

Today I have been delivered the perfect combination of fast food and improvised weaponry. Thank you news media, you just macced my day :)

Renegade Housemate

A Maverick has moved into my house (and shall not be named). We went to pick him up at Calgary yesterday; he's not where he said he was, and then 10 minutes later he's in a different spot having coffee with a friend and then quickly off to the airport where we found him. When I get home he's not there, but later rocks up with a key already made. Today he changed his number midway through the day. Some speculate he changes number every hour.

This guy doesn't play by anyones rules, not even his own. This morning, he woke up, got out a ceramic coffee mug and a marker, wrote "The Rules" on it and just smashed it on the ground; because he breaks the rules. His toothbrush is labelled "Uniformity" and he just brushes his teeth with it. Never invite him anywhere, cause if he's scheduled to be there then that's the one place he won't be. Before he goes to work (only on days he's not scheduled to be at work) he get's his schedule and feeds it to his cuckoo clock and then eats the clock; cause he eats time. He hates anything official, anything set in stone, written on paper, anything that resembles a track; he put black tape over the dashboard on his car so he's always going a different speed (whether fast or slow).

Today I came home and the whole upstairs was de-carpeted...Classic Maverick.